Say what you need to say.

Okay, so I happen to really like this song by John Mayer.  And it goes along with my therapy lesson from last week.  This one was such a hard one when my therapist hit me with it.  I am still struggling with it days later.

I have grown up thinking that some people are passive, some are aggressive, and some are assertive.  I recognize that at times I can be assertive but most of the time I am passive.  I have become more passive as life has come and gone.  I'm not sure why.  I do know though that I haven't ever considered one of these a positive way or negative way to be (with the exception of being aggressive - that just has a negative connotation all around!). 

There is a right way and wrong way to be.  Our goal should be to be assertive unless a rare situation warrants otherwise.  I asked my therapist if he thought the world could exist if everyone was assertive, or did he think there had to be passive people too.  I was so surprised to learn that we could all be assertive and peacefully live on the same planet.  I obviously have not understood that being assertive is not a negative thing - in fact it's healthy!  Being passive is what is unhealthy. Here is a copy of my handout I received. 

Here's where my thoughts have come from.  I am very hesitant to say or do anything that might possibly make someone upset or hurt their feelings.  I am so afraid of causing a problem or making a wave that I just don't say anything at all.  I am finding that there have been increasing opportunities for me to stand up for myself or family and I just say nothing at all.  I do this because I know that even if I am hurt, I know how I'll react and how I'll deal with that hurt.  Saying what needs to be said is different - it puts me at risk of not agreeing or causing hurt.  I don't know how others will react.  Maybe they'll be fine.  Maybe they'll argue back.  Maybe they'll disown me and never speak to me again.  I might loose friends.  It seems too risky to me.  When I'm hurt, I keep it inside and just deal with it.  Eventually I don't think about it anymore.  But I guess stuffing it deep inside isn't really dealing with it and those hurt feelings are bound to pop back out again.  And the next time it is harder to handle those feelings.  When I read how passive people feel, I really relate.  I know those feelings!

Yet, if I had not learned this lesson I would continue to do it.  In fact the thought of possible making someone feel bad brings GUILT - ready to flood me at any moment.  Jim Shelton tells me to be ready for that guilt because it will surely happen - and that I should just let it go right on through me or roll right off me.  Eventually, I will be more confident and sure of myself and won't feel that guilt.  Being assertive isn't doing anything wrong.

Confident and successful people are assertive.  We brainstormed a few successful people that are assertive and may look up to.  President Monson and church leaders.  Do you see them not saying what needs to be said just in case they might hurt someone's feelings?  No way!  How about political leaders.  Do you see Mitt Romney, John Huntsman, or Pres. Obama not being assertive?  How about business leaders - Sheri Dew, Stephen Covey, or even your favorite doctor?  No, successful people are assertive and stand up for themselves and speak what they think in a positive way.  Of course, being tactful is essential, and there are certainly levels of appropriate assertiveness.

I am curious - how many of you are passive at times?  How hard is it for you to be assertive when you should?