The stack of papers

So here's the deal.  When I found out I was pregnant, my world kind of crashed around me.  Goodbye good health!  Goodbye weight loss (I had lost almost 30 pounds)!  Goodbye any sense of organization and direction I may have in my life!  Goodbye to the slight bit of sanity I have left!

I have so disliked even looking at my blog.  It wasn't that long ago, but it feels like a different age - an age where I had some control over my body.  For the first time in my life I was figuring out how to make my body do something I wanted it to do.   Plus most of you are doing fun projects and pictures and recording this great summer.  I'm barely surviving. 

And then I got pregnant.  Unexpected.  Uncooperative.  Uncertainty. 

I mean, why throw this wrench into my already hectic life?  We can hardly afford our 6 kids - are you serious about adding another?  We hardly fit into our house - we need to fit another kid in?  We are at full capacity in our surburban - I gotta drive one of those big vans around?  Argh!  It's easy for me to get discouraged.

I think I found a great way to relate how I am feeling today though.  Thus, why I am blogging after avoiding it for so long.  I have a stack of papers in my room 3 feet tall.  Not kidding.  Kids school work from the last half of the year, medical papers, bills, statements, artwork from the kids, recipes, coupons - you know.   At least you can imagine.  Those of you with kids in school, you'll have a better understanding.  I don't even keep 1/4 of the papers they bring home, but still...

Today I realized on my way out to Dr. appts for school shots for three of the kids (super early this morning) that I needed their immunization cards.  That's an easy task because I keep them in one of two places.  But today they weren't there.  I frantically searched in the other possible places they might be with no luck.  The car is running, kids buckled in - late already to my appt.  And then a horrible thought came to me.  (horror music now)...  THE STACK OF PAPERS.  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I run into my room and look at them.  Sigh.  Take a pile from the top and glance through them.  All my kids immunization cards are together in a small ziploc bag.  I was hoping it would just fall out of the pile and call my name.  But no.  I grab another stack.  No luck.  And another.  Dang!  I head back to the car defeated.

So, since I'm not wearing my shoes yet, I'm trying to untie them to get them on and my insoles inside my shoes.  We get to the office - I slide my shoes on and am in near tears because of the frustration of the cards and that stack of papers.

I HATE that stack of papers.  It is just like my life - a big pile of disorganized colorful good intentions that I never get around to.  It is the things I can't get done, the stuff that was once important that I feel guilt for, the great and noble intentions that are past.  The reminder that I am busier than should be possible.  Basics are barely met.  Dang papers!!!

I am grabbing stuff and running inside.  I can feel my insoles are backwards and it feels like walking on stones.  Silly me.  No time to wait for the elevator so I rush up the stairs holding all the junk I can and my 2 year old.  As I am holding back tears signing the kids in, the receptionist (who knows me by name) kindly tells me that my appointments are actually next week, but they could squeeze us in today.  However, I have my OB appt in SLC at 10:30 and would have to be done with the kids by 9:15 and she didn't think that was possible. 

I guess it's good news.  It gives me more time to find those darn immunization cards.  But it means I have to face the papers.  The dreaded stack of papers.  I'll probably cry while going through them because they are such a reminder of how inadequate I am.  I feel so not up to the task that is in front of me.  7 kids.  Oh my heck.  My 6 kids don't get enough from me as it is.  I guess this is when Heavenly Father will kick in and help me out somehow.

My pregnancy induced hyperthyroid is back in full swing.  Last time it didn't show up until the 3rd trimester.  But now I have to deal with it and all the side effects it brings to me and my baby as well as the medication to try to treat it.  I'm sure it doesn't help that hyperthyroidism symptoms include anxiety (like I needed more), irritability (what pregnant woman needs that?), hard time sleeping, fast heart rate, high body temperature (great during the hot summer months), the shakes, and always hungry.  Pregnancy induced hyperthyroid also brings pregnancy induced hypertension.  I had that last time but didn't link them together.  Sigh.  This poor baby.

But for those who don't know, I'll be 13 - 14 weeks now.  I have about 2-3 weeks until the nausea starts to get better (hooray!), and my energy is starting to come back.  :)  February may be a long time away, but Ryan assures me it will be worth it.  :)  I hope so.  Days like today I sure question it.

Ryan said he'll help me tackle the papers tonight.  I'll just throw away most of it and move on.  The Lord hopefully knows that I am really doing my best with what he has given me.